Walking The Line

"Sometimes when I look at them I feel love which I almost cannot bear."

- Monsoon Wedding

Parenting. Whether it’s your own child or another child you love and care for, it’s a crapshoot. As in many areas of our life, we question ourselves: Am I screwing up? What else can I do? How do I get this right? The fret and fear are real. We will always know families, where the kids succeed at everything, and it’s wonderful and inspiring to see. No matter what though, for most of us, despite successes and the oh so many heart-felt moments, parenting is messy. In the twisty and compelling thriller A Nearly Normal Family, M.T. Edvardsson writes:

Kids are a full-time job. When they’re babies you’re waiting for them to become

independent, and you spend all your time worrying that they’ll choke on something

or fall on their face. Then comes preschool and you worry because they are out of

your sight, because they might fall off a swing set or fail their next checkup. Then

they start school and you worry that they won’t fit in, won’t make friends, and

everything is homework and riding lessons, handball and pyjama parties. They start

high school and there are even more friends, parties, and conflicts, talks with tutors,

all the chauffeuring around. You worry about drugs and drinking, that they’ll end

up in bad company, and the teenage years go by like a soap opera at 190

kilometres per hour. Then suddenly you’re standing there with an adult child

and you think you’ll finally get to stop worrying...

Granted, there are worries about everything in life: Finances, health, work, family, friends, social ills. These hardships are shared by us all. No one is immune from ups, downs, and everything in between. Moreover, we also have to manage our own stress and self-care. As adults, depending on one’s situation, just the fact that we can study, learn, and reflect on parenting is a bit of a luxury. And so, if given this luxury, we can consider ourselves lucky. Over the last 15 years or so, whenever I would see a family where the children, particularly teens, seemed remarkable in some manner, I would take notice. Remarkable to me meant simple observances: they liked hanging with their parents, engaged in dialogue, were okay in a mixed age group, and had opinions they did not mind sharing. I would ask the parents how. How did you get these kids to be like this? To like you? Especially during the tender adolescent phase. During those crucial late teen years, I myself often felt isolated, from everyone but my friends. I felt like I had to be two people. The answer I would get from these parents was always the same: talk to them, spend time with them, include them, take them wherever you go. Rocket science? I suppose not. We have been told that the first few years when children are young, they need us the most. That we have to build the strongest of foundations, from day one. “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man,” said Aristotle. “And this is what helps build a secure attachment style and helps children meet developmental milestones in stride. On the cusp of entering “tweendom,” 7-year olds have mastered many developmental childhood tasks, setting the stage for the next phase of growth” (Fraga).

Still, as parents not everything is in our hands. We try to create a strong base and show children how to handle their emotions. This knowledge hopefully carries them forward, able to deal with life’s curveballs and the associated stress. “We can show them how to manage big feelings, so that when they experience their own failed relationships, divorce, or work stress, they can think back to how Mom or Dad reacted when they were young” (Fraga). Older and wiser now, I firmly believe that it is the teenage years where they need us the most. Those dark years of angst, confusion, and growth are like no other. Organically, as a teen I began preferring to be with peers. Fitting in. I had made friends and I had started going out. Because of the generation gap -- plus a cultural gap of my parents not growing up in Canada -- they did not understand: Why do you need to do this? Why are friends so important? What does ‘fitting in’ mean? I couldn’t explain it to them, this incessant need to belong. My desperate desire to not be “brown” was so prevalent. The North American values I coveted -- rooted in a working-class mentality of living for today, unfocused on tomorrow, not valuing my future nor my education, nor even my own safety (at times) -- were paramount to my existence. In adolescence, as we know there is a tendency to ‘live in the now’. For a long time, being the only Indian in my social circle caused a duality. Two worlds, miles apart: one at home and one socially. Home was safe: I had a younger sister who adored me, and an older brother I adored. Our parents were teachers, so we travelled, spent summers in Toronto with our cousins, and though the social dynamics of school were hard, it was a nice life. As I got older, and we actually moved to Toronto, a friendless existence gave way to something different. I made friends, and all at once the outer world became exciting. Looking back at that girl, due to societal racism and bullying, she lacked self-esteem. She wanted to fit in. She didn’t know how to be herself, nor did she want to. She found wonderful, open people who accepted her and that was her currency. None of this struggle was personal to her parents. They were, and are wonderful people who loved her and raised her in the best way possible. They too had their struggles.

This topsy-turvy life was all about me.

This leads to the age-old dilemma that parents and teens face today. How do we reconcile the immediacy and dramatic nature of a teenager, with the calm and steady concern of a parent? As my husband and I raise our two teens, their lives are so different from what we experienced. It moves me, just thinking about it. Of course, they need to behave somewhat differently around me and their Dad. And yes there are rules and consequences. And yes, they get “in trouble”. However, they don’t have to be two people. They will never know (I hope) how crippling that can be. The words of Edvardsson’s novel ring true -- as parents we will always worry, no matter what age our kids are at. This is part of the love. And riding through this hurricane that is ‘parenting’, we do what we have been told over and over: teach them how to be good people, and show them the importance of integrity and hard work. We then have to trust that those lessons will carry them forward in their lives. While somewhat vague and generic, it is in essence the raison d’être of being a parent, and one of our many contributions to the world.

We can debate, and agree to disagree on “good parenting”. Since cultural values also differ from home to home, it is hard to decide on the one, right way. There isn’t one. What is okay in one family, may not be, in the next. We can read blogs, watch movies, visit websites, and talk to others. In the end, we take away what works for us, in our own homes. Last year, my best friends and I were lucky enough to attend a seminar on parenting, at our teens’ high school. Held by Joe Rich, a social worker now in private practice, and author of Parenting: The Long Journey, it was an incredible learning session. Rich was charming, intelligent, and relatable, with some choice lessons for us, based upon his experiences, education, and research. From my copious notes, my own teenage existence, the two teens in our home, and decades teaching adolescents, there is a lot of information swirling around, both in my head and in my heart. In order to consolidate all this -- and using Rich’s seminar as a springboard -- it might be useful to narrow everything down to what I feel are the ten most valuable points:

1. Nothing is an Emergency. It will keep. This means don’t be impulsive. Wait. Think. We CAN do nothing, in a situation, for the time being. Rich says it is a long journey. There are things that happen that we may not get to right away. When we look to immediately solve something, or talk about it right away, we can be rash in our delivery. I am guilty of this, and am learning to take my time in reacting. On an episode of the prime-time CBS drama A Million Little Things, teenaged Sophie (rising star Lizzy Greene) tells her mom Delilah (gorgeous and talented Stephanie Szostak) she wants to go on birth control, in order to ‘be prepared’. Delilah is quite shocked, and doesn’t know what to say. She actually had gone into her daughter’s room to discuss the ‘joint’ she found in Sophie’s sleeping bag. Sophie immediately becomes angry at her mother’s silence, assuming it means her mom is mad:

Sophie: I knew you wouldn’t understand!

Delilah: No, I might! I will! I might...I just, I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Let’s just

hit pause for a second, okay?

While we all cannot act according to a well-written script, we can take our time, in order to filter out the difference between rash reacting, and thoughtful responding.

2. Sometimes, just listen. Teens are often dramatic. They feel, instantly. Rather than joining in the drama, they may benefit more from a stabilizing ear. Rich suggests we offer words like, “Wow, that must have been really hard for you”, rather than, “Wow, I hate her for doing that to you!” Impulsivity is not the best go-to response, and listening does not always have to mean agreeing. We can let the teen try to work it out, or at least communicate their feelings about it. It is okay to tell ourselves: I do not have to solve this, or make this right. Add to that, explaining that there may be another side to a situation, or helping them to call on their empathy and understanding might be a better way to go.

3. Be patient. The adult brain does not form until the age of 23 or 24. Do not assume their choices are always rational. Mine certainly were not. They do not think like us, nor should they. Much of their behaviour is rooted in immediacy and immaturity. They are not thinking long-term. Yet. We can scream at a 16-year-old: “If you ever want to get a job, you have to be on time!” Or, “If you want people to not say you smell, take a shower!” When the brain forms more, they will. Or when the job starts. Or when they have a date. Be patient.

4. There are problems, and there are issues. Rich really floored me with this concept. Issues we may have with teens are: Clean up your room; don’t go on the phone so much; don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink. These are normal teenage issues. Don’t worry! Problems in adolescence are where we worry: Drug abuse, eating disorders, anxiety, depression. BEWARE: We sometimes act like issues, are problems. They are not. Be calm and understanding, and always put the issue in perspective.

5. Do NOT control. One of the biggest dilemmas we have as parents is the natural inclination to control, versus knowing how much to pull back. Rich says to imagine a steady hand, palm down, with a pen on top, balancing. Imagine that hand is moving around, which makes the pen roll back and forth, and quite possibly fall off. Parenting is trying to keep that hand, that base, steady. We cannot control the pen and stop it from falling off, but we can work at being calm and stable, helping that pen to keep a balance as much as possible, even as it wavers. As we encourage decision making and foster growth, we are that stabilizing force.

6. It is not PERSONAL. Think back to the poor decisions we made as teenagers. Were they ever about our parents? It is dangerous to personalize the behaviour of a teenager, as if they wronged YOU. They didn’t. Chances are, in their impulsivity, it was strictly about them. I know in my case, the seduction of that glamorous outside world had little to do with my parents. I was living in the moment, for me. My missteps, lack of judgement, and subsequent mistakes were not about my parents. The same goes for good decisions. A child grows away from making Mommy and Daddy happy, into success for themselves. If we personalize, then our teen is still trying to please us. Part of ‘growing up’ is learning how to succeed for YOURSELF. As children mature from adolescence into adulthood, they learn the intrinsic effect of both failures and successes, as primarily enhancing or hurting them.

7. Don’t be the opposition. At this age, teenagers often need someone in that oppositional chair. Don’t do it. Think about the tone that chairs in a room set. Two chairs opposite each other set one feeling. Two chairs, side by side, set another -- physically and metaphorically. Even in this position, we can guide. Moreover, Rich reminds us that we are allowed to say yes or no. We are allowed to change our minds. We are allowed to say, “I know it isn’t fair, but because I love you and I care about you, I have to change my mind”. This could be about a party, or a dance, or a trip. It’s ok. Safety is paramount. Regret is not. They may freak out. It’s ok. Being side by side, is for the long haul. It is one, same team, rather than two opposing ones.

8. We all want to belong. The most important thing a teenager wants is to feel included. This is their safety blanket. They hate feeling excluded, in any situation. We all do. For teens, this is survival. Sometimes, in order to dole out punishment when rules are broken, we want to withhold what is of the greatest value. After all, we are teaching them right from wrong. However, often it is the cell phone we take away. By doing so, we are taking away their one link to the outside world. And this, is a direct threat to that “survival”. When we ground teens from their phones, we are immediately excluding them from their whole world. It is a complete shut out. Be sure that it -- the crime -- is worth it. That shut out could have larger implications.

9. Self-regulation. This is a big one. Rich says the most important thing we can teach our kids is self-regulation. How do we control ourselves? Successful adults have it down. They know when to go to sleep, how to spend money, when to take a break. This the most important lesson to impart to our kids. Let’s look at gaming, which is a big one. No more so than in my home. How much gaming time is okay? Rich says to negotiate time for gaming and let them regulate it. If they go past it, where two hours turn into four, say, “We really need to work on that”. And remember that we are not our child’s alarm clock, to remind them when to get off. They can, and will learn this. Not without struggle, but they will. If gaming means other responsibilities and opportunities are lost, let your teen discover that, and hopefully learn from it. I find with our son, the ultimate gamer, him knowing what his responsibilities are for the day, helps him to organize how much time he can game. Any progress is a move forward. We can all agree that this pandemic and all the self-isolating at home does not help.

On the topic of cell phones, how many of us have gotten up in the middle of the night, and then seen the bright light of the cell phone coming from our teenager’s bedroom? We can take it away every night, which is what I used to do, but does that teach them to monitor themselves? In this modern era of a social media frenzy, complete with phone and gaming fever, it’s a whole new world. Instead of getting mad, how can we help them regulate? Ask them how they can do this? How tired will they be the next day, if they are on the phone till 2 am? Our 16-year-old daughter was ‘busted’ by her dad right before this stay at home directive began. It was the middle of the night and he told her to get off the phone and go to sleep. She admitted to me just recently, that she actually fell asleep in class the next day, and was called out by her teacher. Rather than a yelling match in our home, or taking the phone away at bedtime, how much more beautiful is that admittance? Baby steps.

10. They WILL return. Rich reminds us that during the dark years of adolescence, there is so much change, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially. More change than any other period of life. Teenagers will come back. Since this is the end goal, remember to wait for it. One day, all that tension will be in the past. Think of adults today. Remember all that angst, and uncertainty when we were younger? It does go away. We do grow up. Rich says that part of Wayne Gretzky’s success is that most players look to where the puck is. He looks to where the puck is going. Think about that: The horizon. They will get there.

I wish I had met Rich before my kids entered adolescence, for the learning curve is huge. While I have already made a lot of mistakes, I have corrected many as well. These valuable lessons stay with me, and remind me every day that we are all ‘works in progress’. Rich left us with one, most remarkable boon: Every single day, take thirty seconds and look at your child. Ask yourself: How is this kid doing? Whatever you do after those thirty seconds, will be different than what you were going to do before. In fact, let’s try and do this with as many people as we can. It will help us all walk the line with more compassion and more grace. It will help us all to make this world smaller, kinder, better, particularly during these most trying of times.

Sources:

A Nearly Normal Family, M.T. Edvardsson. Celadon Books, 2019.

Parenting: The Long Journey, Joe Rich. John Wiley & Sons, 2006.

A Million Little Things, CBS. Season 2, Episode 15.

Monsoon Wedding, Directed by Mira Nair. USA Films, 2001.

“Do the First 7 Years of Life Really Mean Everything?” by Julia Fraga.

Parenthood Magazine. December 21, 2017.