Till Death Do Us Part?!

Years ago, my best friend told me: one person can’t give us everything.☝🏽I never really understood what she meant. After all, I was in love. I had an amazing career. I had two kids. We were on the way up. What else mattered?! 🤷🏻‍♀️I am not here to tell you that marriage is the be-all and end-all. Nor is it perfect.

As restrictions eased up, my husband and I attended a backyard birthday party -- coincidentally, we were celebrating our wedding anniversary that same day. ❤️ I am extremely grateful. That we are happy. That we are together. And that so far we have survived this long, drawn-out pandemic! 🙏🏽 I greeted one of our friends, and as we exchanged our hellos she (much younger) told me that we (married 22 years) were a measure for her, an inspiration, and she asked what our secret was. Given how tumultuous marriage is, for anyone and everyone, I hesitated at being called “an inspiration”. Much to my surprise, her older sister remarked that we most certainly were HER role models. 👀 I thought about that. Role models. I don’t know that I can call any marriage a role model. What a high pedestal to be put on. Being happy in a relationship is such a slippery slope, one that extends high, and low. This weekend, we had dinner with a newlywed couple. The same couple who right before quarantine, we met up with and discussed the film Marriage Story (see blog post: Relationships and Rubber Duckies: The Path to Authenticity). Due to COVID-19, they quietly eloped, marrying without the usual fanfare. Sweet and in love, they are simply beautiful to watch. 💫 Reminding us that relationships, new and old, are a wonderful gift. 🙏🏽

This got me thinking some more. 🤔 A professional in the mental health community, whom I respect highly told me about a book, where 100 couples were interviewed. 📖 They had all been married for over 50 years. And are still together. Happy. The one commonality is that they all stumbled. Here... there.... everywhere. Maybe I am naive. I have often been accused of being too soft and gullible by my ‘edgier’ loved ones, especially my sister. 🤦🏻‍♀️ But that really surprised me. Having lived, and loved (currently still loving), I CAN say that no love affair is easy.☝🏽No marriage is easy. We push, pull, test, searching for common ground over and over. 👊🏽 My husband and I met in our early 20’s. Looking back, we have both grown so much. Together, but more importantly, independent of one another. This takes time. ⏰ And the realization of how necessary it is, often only comes after the growth. As individuals, we have changed a lot over the years. What’s new is that we continue to see ALL sides of each other, which I am thankful for. 🎲 Seeing another you love, with their flaws, is what authenticates a relationship. It’s easy to love in good times. La la land. 💃🏻 Working through harder times is the true test. Some days we are in the black, some days the red. And when that red is revealed, the ego gets stripped down. And what is left is our true persona. How many people hide themselves, even from their partners? When we decide not to, when we take the risk of showing ourselves, warts and all, that to me is real love. 💜

And no love can grow in a vacuum. As South Asians, there is a stigma attached to marriage. Many believe pressure from families is what keeps two people together. Certainly true in a lot of cases, in a lot of cultures. Familial controls are heavy. Just watch Netflix’s ‘Indian Matchmaker’. 📺 More on that another day. What I wholeheartedly believe is that in our case, my husband and I have united two entire families. 🌎 We have both gained best friends and family members anew. Being the same religion certainly helps! It isn't perfect. There are fights. Tears. Misunderstandings. But we also come together when it's necessary. And we laugh and love. A lot. Two (for the most part) progressive mothers help. And incredible friends. For this team that has been a with us through the decades, is truly part of our core. While certainly adding much confusion and chaos, it is actually what helps us when we stumble. That same village it takes to raise a child, also nurtures a marriage, helping it when it stumbles.

Regardless of what we believe makes a marriage good, ultimately, the truest love affair is the one we have with ourselves. No partner can “fix” another. Nor are we saviour and therapist. As beautiful a notion as it is to save someone, it’s not realistic.🙅🏻‍♀️ We are not someone’s saviour. Nor their therapist. When we do the work to become whole on own or with professional help (for we all have demons), THAT is what allows us to love others. Right. I always thought that once we become adults, we are grown up. Done. Only in recent years do I really see that internal growth never stops. And it is when we are adults, that we can look back and source our flaws. Isolate the variables. So while I am a diehard Jerry McGuire fan, no, you don’t “complete me”. The hopeless romantic in me believed that all I needed in life was one, true love. 🌟 And everything would then fall into place. Nope. Blame it on the ethnocentric fairy tales of the ’90s. Or the sappy rom coms of younger days. In reality, as we go through life, we tend to understand better, our flaws, and our baggage -- especially when trying to make a relationship work. We tend to uncover what in our past, has brought us HERE. ➡️🎒And when we can address that, and work on that, it is an absolute win.

So...while I DO still believe love makes the world go around, it’s not necessarily romantic. The love I speak of is that of humanity. 🌍 The love for good. The love for growth. The love for a better world. The love for this generation to build upon our crimes and misdemeanours. THAT love is what unites us. And yes, THAT love completes me. 🙋🏻‍♀️ In the meantime, while I live and hope for all this wonderful love to flourish, I will stand side by side with mine. He is a GEM. An authentic, flawed, brilliant gem.💎Are we role models? I don’t know. But we can celebrate that as two wholes we are stronger, greater, and definitely better together. Now. 🤝

We don’t necessarily know what ‘forever’ means, but we do know that being real, while not always easy, is the only way to be. Door number one.🚪Working on ourselves -- our own growth and improvement, and realizing how necessary it is -- door number two.🙋🏻‍♀️

And of course, gratitude. 🙏🏽 Married or not. ✔️

So here’s to authentic living, and authentic loving. 💕