The US election is over, the world quite polarized. One issue causing conflict en masse being immigration. Many of us, children of immigrants, have grown up. We did not have that struggle of starting with ‘nothing’. In a momentum of working and saving hard, our parents had no idea of the duality we lived -- wanting to be part of the dominant culture yet also part of a familial one. Not seeing the balance we maintained (we kept a lot inside), they asked questions like: How can I make money? Can I feed my family and support them? Concrete questions with concrete answers.
As adults, our questions of the world are murkier: Am I happy? Am I fulfilled? How can I improve this world? This existence, with a focus on “wellness” and emotional balance, is a luxury. Growing up, many feelings were put aside. Our parents were busy. With little room for abstract emotion, communicating complex feelings, and understanding inner happiness was just not on the list.
I look at my mom now, with my kids. She is a different woman. When our daughter was younger and would long to eat, I’d get frustrated. My mom pulled me aside, and whispered softly, “Nina, let her stop when she says she is full, you don’t want her to develop an eating disorder”.
What??? I was the one who sat, as a child, for over an hour sometimes, when everyone was done and in another room (where I could see them watching tv!), not allowed to leave the table, nor the dry, cold food, until I was done. Eventually, we got a dog which really helped my cause. But still. Who was this woman who was now, conspiratorially telling me what was best?!
This same daughter, as a teen, had a party without us knowing. Upset, I shared this with my mom. Warm as a gentle, summer breeze, she said “Mia darling, you have to be safe and not do these things.” And then gave her a hug. Huh?
That laid back ‘trust the universe’ mentality, that my mother has now, is the gift that comes with less stress, financial and emotional. No longer living in a “new world”, she can (grand)parent in a more philosophical manner. However we raise our kids, differs from home to home. We grew up in a different world than our immigrant parents. We take what we experienced and we create our own norms, sometimes not straying very far. My sister told our mom the other day, “Everything you did and said that I swore I never would, I find myself doing those exact same things with Harlowe!”
Regardless of parenting philosophies, immigrants or not, we try our best. Hoping for more, and better communication. Something we (raised in the country our parents brought us to), fortunately, have the luxury of striving for. We can transfer knowledge, thoughts, feelings, in a softer manner. And for this, I am grateful. Will they ever really know how full our hearts are?
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