Heavy Hangs The Head 👑

My thoughts turn, as I see my kids enjoying their summer, to the months of remote learning high school students experienced, amidst this pandemic. This was good, and not so good. While it was a necessary ‘plan B’., we know that much went by the wayside, in terms of instruction, delivery of content, and student engagement. I am left wondering, beyond the basics, what responsibilities do parents have? When children are younger, this question is easier to answer. As they grow, the lines become blurred.

My parents — when I critically look back — adjusted to Western life brilliantly, making an amazing life for us, truly of the “when in Rome” mentality. I owe them so much, for their assimilation and efforts to navigate such murky waters. 🙏🏽 At the same time, some things were handled by the school and school only. One such area was health class, and part of this was sex-ed. Whose job is it really, to teach teenagers, kids about sex-ed -- the school or the family? As a brown girl, growing up this was never discussed at home. This was common, because to “go there”, well, it was just not possible. A friend told me that as a teen her mom pulled her out of sex-ed and kept her home. I had not heard of that, when I was in school. But times were different, and often communication was both difficult, and rare. Keeping in mind, the generation before us had even less in the way of talking.☝🏽

And today, in my career as a teacher, I know it is still quite common for parents in conservative cultures to pull back -- in Ontario, we have had many who are vehemently opposed to an updated health and sex-ed curriculum and have protested wildly to remove it. In fact, due to pressure, our government had to pull back the updated and timely curriculum, in favour of a watered-down version, closer to the one from twenty years ago, with parents now having the ready option to exempt their children from certain portions.

Are these parents teaching it at home, or not wanting it taught at all. The answers vary, I’m sure. As we watch teenagers today on such a slippery slope, how much do we rely on school, and how much do we take on ourselves?

This week, as a family we settled in to watch the Hulu series ‘Little Fires Everywhere’ (Prime Video). In a word, fantastic. 📺

Dark, layered, timely, the issues raised run deep, leaving us with many, many thoughts. 🤔

In this story, we have Mrs. Richardson, a white, privileged, Ivy-league educated mother. “She and her husband did not speak to the children about their love lives...in general she preferred to assume that her children were smart enough to make their own decisions, that the school had armed them well with knowledge. If they were “up to things” -- as she euphemistically thought of it -- she didn’t need, or want, to know”.🙅🏻‍♀️

Well, having been a teen, and having been “up to things”, getting this education ‘on the streets’, or solely relying on health class is not only a bit of a crapshoot, it is also unfair. 👀 And while school can provide a framework of general knowledge, most of the learning might have to come more intimately. The casual talk amongst adolescents, the inflated expectations the media builds up, and the mistakes teens can make along the way, leave way too much up to chance.🤷🏻‍♀️ While such topics are not easy, they are all the more necessary. 👍🏽

From this, let’s move to ‘right’ of parenthood. How many chances do we have as parents, to mess up? Further to this, how much proof is required, of love? Celeste Ng leaves us with such open-ended questions, that we waver from one day to the next on how we feel.🤔 One consistent thought remains: from day one we look to parents for leadership. And yes, they mess up. I certainly do.🙋🏻‍♀️ And as the leaders in a family, the weight of this role is heavy. As a mother today, I understand mine even more now. She was balancing so much. In ‘Little Fires Everywhere’ not one of the mothers — all from varying backgrounds, and all also balancing — are able to really communicate. Be it past trauma, a ‘laissez-faire’ attitude, or simply lack of knowledge, the substantive domino effect of this is real. Miscommunication CAN then be passed down from one generation to the next. ‘Sweep those elephants away’. I look at many loved ones today, who are supposed to lead, and I see it. People, at varying stages of adulthood, who just can’t lead, and who raise their hands in silent innocence at the frustration which ensues from this. While I understand it, at the same time it disappoints me.🙅🏻‍♀️ As in life, people AND characters need to do better. And, we CAN admit to mistakes and grow from them. 💫 The brutal option that remains, is just regret. 😔

The takeaway: is it better to work at eliciting change and growth, keeping the faith? Or, to distance one’s self from toxicity, even in one’s own circle, and build a more balanced but independent life? 🤔 More importantly, is it ever a teenager’s job to work for change in a family -- particularly, when a parent won’t? These are the questions still running through my mind, as we all work, at putting out little fires everywhere. No doubt a life-long endeavour. 🔥

Sources:

Ng, Celeste. Little Fires Everywhere, Penguin Random House, 2017.

Hulu Series: Little Fires Everywhere